| I Echo - Voice I |

UGH!

2009-04-06T23:19:00.002+08:00

Recently have some trouble registering some school modules. Work is still horrible as usual. Everything related to school just sucks... Bleh.

2 more weeks. Just two more weeks... I must endure.

Haiz... Meanwhile, somehow I am feeling more God sensitive yet not sensitive at all =\ I must need to dedicate myself to God if this is what I want.

Tired

2009-03-27T01:50:00.002+08:00

Back from work 3 hours ago. So Tired. Long and slow day as usual.

Anyway, today after work, I rushed to esplanade to get Anderson a present :) Hope he likes it.

Had a great talk with one of a close friend. :) Glad to know that he knows God now. Praise Lord. Praise Lord.

Back =|

2009-03-26T00:00:00.003+08:00

Well, I suppose I'm back from a huge emotional ride.

How to say leh, still learning and struggling to live ba. Sometimes knowing that nobody actually reads this blog, I find it rather pointless to post. Those who reads, don't even mention anything. So yeah...

Lets talk about the good things, Family has just become bigger :) Cell Group have just increased by 6 more guys ^^ I'm really glad that today during prayer meeting, we are like a big family. No one really cares about who you are in the past, all I know is that they love me. I'm really happy. Praise God for Blessing me with such a great family and bless me with so much love.

I Achieved 5As and 1 B+ for this semester, another thing to praise God ^^ its really not possible for me to get such grades. I was really distracted from studies during that period of time. But I'm glad that God and the rest of the family is there with me.

Alright, not its the depressing parts ba, ITP is horrible, I just felt sooooo sooooo soooo Angry at my colleagues, for they had been humiliating me. Never once have I been so humiliated in my life. I just felt sooo sooo angry... Still struggling to be a good Christian by not fighting, not argueing and lift everything to God. Its hard... But I'm clinging on. I am really.

A brother of mine refuse to reply any message or phone calls. Totally avoid me. Don't really know what to say.

I realised that, I really quite a bit of friends, most of them aren't very close to me. Haha... and here I am sometimes trying to be close to them, or acted as if I am still close ba. Though some friends, no matter how long you have yet contacted, they will still help out rightaway when you asked. I'm really glad that one of my primary school friend helped me when I need it.

Others, when you try to talk to them for like... perhaps a long time... They just ignore what you try to tell him... and the next time he talk to me... is to ask me if I can help him in studies. As though I am some thing of "thing" to help him pass his exam.

Ugh... Bad things always seems to be more then good things...

Edit: But I believe that I'm not looking hard enough for the good things!

But no worries, I in a good state. Still learning! Still perservering!

Alright... Till another time :)

A New Change I Suppose?

2009-01-11T18:41:00.003+08:00

Changing back to Classic Blog Theme. I feel that the previous one still too cartoony. But yes, I am back...

Things have been well I guess. Though Its still very exhausting when hatred and anger just don't stop haunting me. But now... I'm really learning to give my troubles to God.

Cell group have been really loving and caring. Can really see the change in terms of care and concern. We're all working very hard together to build this relationship. I really love the times we spend together.

I'm still having trouble letting go off the past though. But then Pastor Daniel just taught us about moving on yesterday. So I hope things will turn out well.

I still need to try harder on the bible reading plan. Need lots and lots of discipline to get myself reading the bible more. But I am sure this plan will work well. Afterall, its doing for God. So Praise him for the Discipline beforehand =)

New Year, New School Terms, New Forms of Stress coming. I'm pretty sick of school I suppose, I hate the feeling that everyone in school just isn't close to me at all. To them I am just an acquaintance. But I know I have to work hard because I still want to someday share to everyone in YI a good testimony.

I'm still guilty of going to church secretly though... But I must endure and keep praying... I've not been praying enough for this situation and my family... I cannot and must not be comfortable with this situation.

Btw, Yesterday Sister Wanping Bought me the Sermon CDs for YI Camp! =D I'm so happy loh. Though its kinda embaressing when I almost tried to give her a hug out of joy (but I didn't)... So we shaked hands instead... Totally Embaressing XD

Did some cleaning today, took out my Sec School year books to look at photos. Man how huge I've grown -.- Its time to exercise I tell myself. But man, when I look at those photos, I was like, why did I wasted my 4 years of life doing those stupid things. But yes, I think I've changed for good.

This New Year What do I aim?

1. Lose 10 kg(Difficulty level *****)
2. Spend more time with God(Difficulty level *****)
3. Work Hard for School(Difficulty level *****)
4. Lift My Emotions to God(Difficulty level ***)
5. Change My Attitude towards my family(Difficulty level *****)
6. Buy a Camera(Difficulty level *****)

Yes, I need to start to blog more often...

Can't Stop My Tears

2008-11-23T21:35:00.002+08:00

Haha... Don't really know if people will read my blog or not. Seems like people who reads just keep silent...

Well, How to say leh...

This month, its really like taking an emotional roller coaster loh...

Happy for Xinlong's BD.
Unhappy for family issues.
Excited for Xmas Deco Team.
Disappointed for my parents.
Glad for my cell group's getting closer.
Stress about sharing Christ with Friends.
Sober from my dilemma in my Christian Life.
Lost in my own pace in school.

I'm seriously in a mess haha.

Yesterday I was told that, "I always seem to be very stressed", even I myself agree to some extend. Man... I don't really know what to say man. I just want to cry, I just want to life my life in peace. I just want stop all the things I'm doing. I know that even as I am typing this post, God knows about my doubts and tensions going in my mind.

Perhaps blogging is the only way I can express myself to my non Christian Circle's buddies and friends. I don't know anymore.

Sorry people, that my posts always seem so stressful... I'm just sorry... For I really don't know what good stuff to write. I mean, seriously, during the happy occasions, I'm just using them to avoid my own pain and sadness within.

But why is letting go of hatred so hard... Why is forgetting the pain in the past so hard...

Even as the daggers in my heart is being removed, the wound is still bleeding...
Even as the blood stopped flowing, my heart still feels so empty...
Thats so true...

Constant Fear, Emotions, My only will to live on now

2008-11-17T00:54:00.003+08:00

These few days hasn't been a really well I should say.

Struggling to keep my emotions in control. I seem to keep having the urge to cry from time to time. I suppose because Christianity is now my only reason to live on now. That's why I am constantly having fears and feelings of uncertainty all the time.

I'm scared and have been questioning about what if everything isn't going to happened... Stuff like that... I told God about this issue too... But yet, I still constantly have fear. Each time I have the urge to cry, I always tell God, "God you are my only reason to go on now"

I know I really must not let my emotions to distract me.

Lets just say this is the summery of my current situation I am in now,

1. Christianity is my only reason to live now.

2. Without out God, I will really commit suicide now, no joke.

3. My current life, with my family, in school is diminishing my faith in God.

4. Thus, I am now having doubts and fear about God not being real.

5. But, I really do know he exist and he is really there for me.

6. I'm now having this push carry on this race.

7. I'm really really tired.

Trust me... I really know God exist, else I won't be here now.

Just... struggling to keep this faith. I need to stay strong. I need affirmation. I know God is going to do something Good soon. I'm just tired now I suppose.

The Urge Between Light and Darkness

2008-11-14T08:13:00.002+08:00

Sorry guys... for such a long time no post le.

A lot really happened. I'm too tired to repeat stories I guess, just gonna say what happen this week ba...

During Tuesday, I quarreled with my mom, I seriously didn't know what happened, I was just doing my homework and suddenly she went all naggy and all, fine... Then later she ask me if I saw her keys I replied, "I don't know" and carry on doing on my maths tutorial. And she bombed! She seriously bombed! She yelled at me then she went out...

The rest of the day I felt so angry... I felt my hatred and anger all flood into me... I felt soooo depressed all of the sudden. All my mind become thoughts of just. "KILL HER!" "I WILL BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU JUST BARE ALL THE HATRED AND ANGER AND KILL"

I felt so confused... I even remember of having thoughts of giving up my Christian Life (which I didn't by the way)... I was like... "TO HELL WITH IT! GO TO HELL THEN GO TO HELL LA"...

I just sooo couldn't control myself that night... Really wanna talk... but yet, when I on my MSN, I tried to blurt out something... but everyone just shunned me away with a "busy" sign or a really really slow reply hinting me their aura of "I am busy, don't disturb me"... So I went to sleep really soon after that.

Wednesday. The whole morning till like 5pm its pretty okay(was in chuch from 1-5 btw), though still angry...

During around 5.45, kenneth came to church, and I told him that I quarreled with my mom, I asked him about how do you dishonour your parents, everything was okay untill I ask him my last question.

"How should I start a conversation with my mom, you know... to break the tension." I asked.

He replied me, "Simple, apologise to her." My whole mood changed... my tears urging to flow out all of the sudden. I was seriously unwilling to forgive and let go, I was seriously unwilling to be the one to put down my pride and injustice... I cried that whole evening and night. Just keep crying and crying... Calling people to talk and all that night, kept crying non stop...

I know I have to do it and I did, that very night I apologised. But it felt so bad and nasty I suppose. Even till morning, I felt so bitter so during LRT I weeped and just lift all my bitterness and worries to God.

But now my emotions is really unstable guys... if you see me all of the sudden wanna talk with you guys and perhaps even emo with you guys... please forgive me... I just find it hard to control my tears this few days... sorry man...

When Life Hurts The Most

2008-10-11T09:30:00.002+08:00

When Life Hurts The Most

Sorry guys for not updating much. Too many things happening nowadays. Feel so tired liao... So many things are crashing down on my life. I feel so helpless and tired. Recently my elder brother ran away from home, leaving a letter behind saying he had lost the $80k(my mom + aunt + grandparents grave money) My mom haven't been eating and sleeping much. My family place more stress on me to make it to uni so that I can earn more money in future.

Monday, when we heard the news, I feel so stressed, have to choose GEMs(General elective modules) my time table not planned. My graduation definitely delayed by half a year le. I feel so zzz now. Then when all is happening, thursday I have to caught flu.

Yesterday, someone commited suicide near my house. Really, like just next block. Suddenly feel so depressed and tempted to do the same. But I know I can't. I know I cannot do that for I will bring more trouble.

I feel very stress and sian. I don't know what to do... I just feel so down... So no motivated man...

Haiz...

Finally Posted // Apologies

2008-10-03T00:00:00.003+08:00

Hey all, its been a while since I post eh. Sorry for the slow posts. Recently quite a lot have happened. A lot worth to be happy about, but also a few which is rather, pulling me down also. But you know... I have to keep moving on le. Right?

Friends // My Worries // Our Worries
Recently hardly have chances to chat with Pei Pei or Weixian, or Rather they seem to always be so busy haha. We all seems to be going through the hardships of changes in life ba. Pei with her own problems, Weixian seems to be quite tense also. Me too, I felt that I really just want to just spend a day in peace, Which somehow, still unable to achieve it yet. I think all of us really need to spend a day to just settle down and just rest. Not at home, usually we think our homes are places we can settle down, but in truth, the home is always the place which makes you most stress. Really, lots of soul searching needs to be done. But, time always doesn't allow us huh...

I'm really tired of my current situation of going back and forth... Yet there are still so many things at heart that really I myself have been putting aside thinking that time will make it fade away, but in reality it doesn't.

But I'm also quite contempted because I now value life more and more. Though the scars always burns. I really want to see God changes my life around. I really do... because now... if God doesn't even change my life... My purpose in life would really be nothing.

Ex Classmates // School // Khoon Sear

I used his real name hear is because, of all people who reads this blog only the 2 of us will recognise this name. Yeah, this buddy of mine, haha, though older then me, seems like I nag him more then ever. Lol. He too, also facing his own phase in life that only he can overcome. Though I must say, I am actually quite affected when he mentions that his views on people around him are actually changing.

Part of me do wonder if he is talking about me or not? "Did I nag too much? Did I scold too much? Am I being too bossy?" haha... Part of me don't really dare to ask him though, which is why partially I quite reluctant to leave a message in his blog ba haha. But now its all over after a little talk with him last night. The talk felt good I find. Its been always since we really settle down and chat. We use to chat alot together, but due to class change, I hardly been talking to him liao.

Partially I quite worry about him also, he himself have been very tense about his own situation also, most times very down. But, seeing that, there is still so many people around him that really cares for him. I think I'm not as worried ba. Haha.

Ex Classmates // Ex School Mates // Past Friend

Started to speak a bit to Zhiyan recently also, haha I guess the awkwardness is all gone when facing a computer huh? I still remember during secondary school times. Silly me. Zhiyan if you see this message, I'm sorry for what happened during sec 3 and 4 man. Haha. Really sorry.

You changes to much le Zhiyan =)

Facing My Deepest Fears // Letting go of my inner most devil

Last Saturday, for such a long time, I felt that my tears really dried this time. But then again, God made my tears roll again. During service... I really felt God wants me to face this Fears. All these thoughts of murder and anger.

Really, the anger really grow a lot each time I faced it. I fine myself so disgraceful, My anger has reached the stage where... even as my mum ask me to throw rubbish... I would want to grab a pen nearby and stab against her head/neck/ or her temples. I felt so angry. So scared. So disappointing.

But God wants me to face it and claim my mind and heart his. I'm trying hard. I'm really trying. All these time, I've been running away from it, thinking positive. But even as I sleep, I've been haunted by nightmares and odd dreams. Things are slowly getting better, but I do fear of falling again... I'm really tired and scared. But I must only put my confidence on God, that He can change it now. Its my only way now.

Tired // Exhausted // Ashamed // Life of Disappointments

I'm really tired of myself getting back and forth, trying to live a life with light and justice. But then I have been pulled back by my own shames and no self controls. I'm still telling lies to go Church. Each time getting worst. I feel so bad and guilty. I find my heart sinking down due to my own lust of so many things(not just sex if you are wondering). I feel so shameless and tired. I hate myself of giving in to these temptations so easily, I hate myself for unable to stand up for God to my family. I hate myself for hiding my whole Christian Life when I should be living it with pride and happiness, without shame.

Preparing my heart // Spiritual Journal

Last week, I felt a prompt from God that, I should start a Spiritual Journal from the first 4 books again in new Testament. Haven't start at all. My heart still felt so reluctant. But I know I must do it. Its definitely for my own good. For people who doesn't know what is a spiritual journal, its like a journal book or diary that you write down what you learnt from the bible to God. Haha. I know I mustn't fail and if I am dedicated to it, I must do it everyday. If I want to start it, I must keep this promise to God.

New Blog Music // Jason Mraz

I actually wanted to use "Coyotes" this song for my blog this time. But then I heard "Details in the Fabric" and I just have a sudden rush of emotions in my head. Though no tears, I still felt my eyes wet. So I decided to change it to Details in the Fabric. Perhaps another time for Coyotes.

Still Waiting // Photographs

Sorry guys, still waiting for the mooncake festival's photograph, but yeah, Xuanwen jie is a really busy person. So I don't think its good to disturb her. I'll just have to keep waiting. Haha, but nothing much of me you all would like to see. I'm just a fat guy xD

Wedding // Peizhen jie a.k.a Charmaine a.k.a My Cousin

Yesterday, we went to her wedding dinner. You can really see her happiness and joy. Though throughout the wedding, I only hear gossips about my family members and my own family history. I don't feel good hearing them at all. My cousin though, she seems so happy, yet when we left, she saw my brother and she broke down and cried. She seems very close to my brother. She just cried and keep calling her "Qing Mei Zhu Ma" haha.

Thats about all I suppose... Haha... nothing much happy to post I guess. But yeah. =) I cannot always put a smiley face and a happy face right? Haha...

Yuxian.

Back! Ready and Action!

2008-09-12T01:05:00.005+08:00

Apology // Battle Against the Nuaness!

Eh heh heh heh. Sorry people for not updating man. Quite a lot happened =p During the last post, its exam period le. So After Exam, too long never post. So nua now haha. =\ Gonna try to update as much as possible xD

New Blog Music // Memories of Beach

I have to say, I quite like this song =) Quick and Light. So yeah hehe =) Do tell me if you guys like the songs or not, if not then I change le =p I try to change music once in a while =)

Holiday // Decisions // Calm down

So many things have happened since the past few months. I feel so exhausted. I really want to settle down to rest. Feeling so so tired from everything. Decided to no work during this whole holiday of 6 weeks. Lied to my parents that I still having exams, now is study period. I really need my head to settle down now.

Birthday // Early Celebrate // Unbelieveable

Crazily, I celebrated my birthday 3 days before the actual day, on the actual day itself then 6 days later Lol.

3 days before : During Church! Whole Cell group celebrated for me =D Didn't realised that my birthday landed on the same day with Michelle Lew(not feifei) and Anderson's Brother. I got tau pok-ed by the guys man, the gave me the "modified version of tau pok" so crazy man. Mean while, the got me a really cute strawberry cake(my first birthday cake after so many years) and Ian got me a StarWars Yoda figurine(still can't bear to open it because its first sealed)

The Actual day : Weixian was the first guy who wished me a happy birthday lol. Thanks Weixian(if you are reading this). Still old buddies better lol. xD Anyways, went for encounter retreat, we stayed at salvation army, we sang songs and wanxin jie told Weiwei that its my birthday and they sang me a birthday song. Its rare to have so many people to sing b.d. song to you nowadays. Haha. So awesome =) During my last few moments of birthday. The guys during the encounter retreat Tau pok-ed me again! this time xD The bed snapped Lol! It was soooo funny lol.

6 days later : Jerrold, Ed and myself, we went to eat at clementi Sakura Buffet. Met Xinlong while on the way. During that day, Ed company me go make specs, Yes I got new specs now, Black geek one. Heh heh, anyway, during noon, we went to simlim to go shop for the game ed wanted, but no have and met a few scammers, lucky we never got tricked lol. The buffet at night was great! We eat and chatted, like old times in 163, Good times Good times =)

Computer Interfacing // Careless Exam

I totally missed the paper man! I read 25 of August as 26 of August, so I missed that paper. 30% core module! Ohhhh noooeeeeeesssss! -_- I was so devastated during that time I tell you. Panic and Sianess >_<>.>

Bad Dreams // Weird Dreams // Sleepless Nights

Having a hard time to sleep recently. Keep having a weird or bad dream which woke me up, very early, then later after that, I every 30 mins will be awake for no reason. Need to pray more before I sleep now aways.

Emoness // Sianess // Nuaness

Feeling rather down recently, quite down, quite depressed. But I know I can overcome this period de. For I have faced it before, especially during my sec school days haha. People who read this, don't worry, I'm going to be OKAY! xD

Forgiveness // Family

Still trying to forgive my family. Recently they keep scolding me for no reason, do anything also scold. I feel so angry and yes i can sense hatred growing. But I know I must pray for God to give me the ability to forgive =)

Old Friends // Sec School Maties // Their Birthdays

Meanwhile 2 of my closest sec school mates are having their b.d. Soon. Weixian on 4th October and Peixuan on 17 September. Planning to save up to buy Weixian a present. YES WEIXIAN! I'm getting you a present! Muahahaha! You will know I buy you a present but not what I buy for you haha.

Meanwhile, those who see the above message, please wish then a Happy Birthday on the day =)

Mooncakes // Latern Festival!

Can't wait for this sat, Cell group celebrate Latern Festival and Mooncakes. I so long no celebrate le =p Can't wait haha.

Wish to do recently

I want to eat strawberry icecream for some reason. Lots of them xD Weeeeeee

LOOOOONNNNNNNGGGG POST XD

Will post soon again =p

New Blog Sking // Happy Tune

2008-08-01T01:18:00.002+08:00

Woot Woot // New Skin

Wahaha, Change a new blog skin this time is a more Kawaii one =p Domokun haha, so cute loh. xD I so old liao still put so cute blog skin lol. But yeah if you guys don't like this skin xD I don't really care xD

Blog Music // Every Morning

Haha, I really love this song. Really make me think of every morning ^^ Haha. I really think it fits this blog's atmosphere also =) Its by ND Lee =]

Cute Stuff // Irresistable

Goodness =\ Like Ian said, I cannot resist cute stuff >_<>< But yeah... I couldn't say no because its too cute le xD But yeah he always make fun of me liking Oddish. But someday =p Some Day.

Neopets // Savings // Still the in thing

Heh heh, thinking of saving 2000 Np to bank everyday xD Dunno, see first ba haha. Yes people, new pets is still the in thing for me. Do join me if you guys interested hehe.

Ex Classmates // Reminiscence

Still carry on keeping in contact with Weixian and Peixuan, Goose and kin. Trying to meet out for movies haha. But yeah, everyone couldn't find a right time to meet. Xian seems very stress though. Haha. We just talked not long ago and yeah we both grow up a lot le. Weixian no as blur as last time le. He now abit stress and down. Kinda reminds me of myself last time but better. Hope he can do well and stay safe man.

Good news though, he told me that he have only 1 assignment left and his health is getting better! He seems to be flooded by assignments not long ago but no more! Yay! God bless him brother =)

Also! Trying to keep in contact with Hema, though rarely see her =x

School // Tests // Exams // Coming Soon This August

Peak Season, exam period coming le. Next week got like 3 lab tests + 1 maths quiz >.> Exams coming in like 3 weeks time. This time no study break. Sian loh. But Lucky not like previous exam 4 days of papers in a row. Praise Lord.

Ian's Home // Awesomeness

Went to Ian's house during yesterday(wednesday), before going prayer meeting. First time go his house haha. Awesomeness =) He has such a huge collection of figurines man! Makes me wanna collect also lol. I have no perserverence though haha. But yeah, I think his home is really cool. Though didn't really talk to Auntie since she is resting but she is a nice person =) Praise Lord for Blessing the home.

Meanwhile Praise Lord for letting Ian spend his day well.

Prayer Meeting // Weird Feeling

I think everybody is so tired when during prayer meeting, It felt so, neutral. Not too happy nor too sian. But yeah. Though something awesome really happened =) It felt so awesome when we all sing together to Praise God =) Yes. When our voices follows each other's rhythme and so in tune, it sounds so cool.

Finance // Family

Its official that I used my last bit of bank savings to help my brother pay his phone bill. Haha. But yeah, our family now facing a little financial difficulties bah. My dad working his life off to earn money for the family car. TODAY The family car suddenly got one window get smashed by a rock. My brother(the drivier) really suay man. But thank God he is safe ba. But there goes to plan of selling the family car away =\

Parents // Quarrelling

My parents recently quarrel quite badly hearing about her complaining my dad. Haiz. I know things will turn out well one. I believe in God.

Sins // Intergrity

Haiz. Must Pray for God to forgive my sins. Help me control myself. I make a vow to God to live a life of intergrity. I must do what I vowed.

Report Writing // Final Stages

Now reaching the final stages of report writing liao. Must carry on to finish it up. Haiz quite lazy to do it. My topic X Box 360 VS PlayStation 3 nothing much to write loh lol. But yeah I must elaborate more!

7th Month // Superstition

Haiz... My mom just now dragged me company her go down stairs to help her do the 7th month ritual. But I stand quite far away to avoid it. Only helped her pick up rubbish. And help her carry stuff. I think she get that I don't want to take part in such idiotic rituals >.> But yeah... I only believe in God!

Prayer Request

Pray that I will keep my vow!
Pray that God will save my family!
Pray that all my friends will be happy!
Pray that all will keep on clinging on =)

Thats about all haha! Jiayou everybody!

Changes // Peaks

2008-07-29T00:14:00.004+08:00

Fatigue // Work // Restless Nights // Nightmare

Recently have a lot of assignments to do. No enough sleep. Still very deprive of sleep. Still having weird dreams. Weird weird dreams. Having really realistic dreams that freak me up in the middle of the nights recently.

Music // Blog

The music playing now is one of my favourite. The Light Before We Land. Its not a christian song btw. But it sounds like one. The song is really nice though =) Thanks weixian for teaching me how to upload.

Estee // Cousin // Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday Estee, hope you enjoyed your birthday during saturday =)

Friends // Ex Classmates

Still talking with weixian and penny. Hope that they are still doing well. Weixian seems to be very busy and tired. Hope he rest more.

Past // Apologies

I recently remembered of the past. Once, I brought a pen knife to school and pass it to weixian. I though of committing suicide that day. But I'm scared, so I pass it to weixian. I guess that time he must have really freaked out. I was crying very badly that day. If you see this message weixian, I'm sorry brother. Haha.

Moi // Christian

Haha, if anybody who doesn't know that I am a Christian now. Haha. Especially those who knows the emo me in secondary school. Yeah I am. Don't freak out man. Haha, seriously speaking, I sometimes still find it hard to believe that I grow up so much le. Haha. Being a Christian really changed me for good. Praise The Lord =]

Lies // Sin

Saturday I still lied to my family the I am going to school, but in actual fact, I am in church. I still hide the truth to my parents and family. People who read this, Lying is bad. I am a bad example. Don't learn from me. People who think that I am a bad Christian. I am the one sinful. Not Christians in general ._. Please don't generalize christians as big Liars... Because its me who is bad.

Abortion // Sermon

During saturday, Pastor Daniel talked about Do not murder and Abortion is actually murdering an innocent life. Girls and guys remember! Think twice before you have premarital sex! Hearing pastor describing about the process of abortion really makes me feel so painful. Painful for the baby!

The doctor will use a vacuum to suck the baby out. If the baby's body is fragile enough, his limbs will be ripped out piece by piece. During the ripping process, the baby will give out a "silent scream" meaning that the baby will scream out in pain, but we cannot hear it because its too soft.
If the body's bones is hard enough, the doctor will cut its limbs then suck it out. I feel so sad for the baby.

Pastor also showed a picture named "Malachi", the picture shows an aborted baby with its limbs and body sperated. I will never forget about that image.

Murderous Emotions // Sermon

The 2nd part of the sermon was done by sister wanping. She talked about by having thoughts of murdering someone else is already committing murder already. Which fits into this week's theme, the 6th commandment "Thou shall not murder".

Also, she teaches us that there is two types of Anger, Destructive murder which leads to nothing but violence and Constructive anger which comes from God. Constructive anger lets you think about the right thing to do when you feel angry, "is it worth it?" "What will God and Jesus do?"

During this part of the sermon, I got reminded of my past when I thought about murdering my whole family. Poisoning water boiler, on stove to let house explode, Switch my mother's medicine. Etc Etc. But I don't feel anything at all. I know God is definitely there. I don't feel sad or scared or depressed. I think God helped me went pass the stage already. Praise the Lord.

Report Writing // School

Getting tired of this report. So much to write so little time >_< style="font-weight: bold;">Neopets // My In thing

Created a new neopet account. Suddenly thought of playing neopet for some reason lol. Those interested to join me add me! Yuthanaxian. With my pet, Wolf_Scratch! xD

Falling Ill // Headache

Feel that recently I'm falling ill, during sunday I'm having a really weird headache, feeling so nauseous. I think its the lack of rest. =\

Family

Recently the cell group, everyone is so tired physically, especially the older ones. Pray that God will help all of out trouble. Ian this whole week also a lot of work to do. Xiong exam coming so soon. I also work piling up. Praise Lord for letting us still able to move and jump during sat =)

Grace // Foundation of Prayers

People Do READ THIS!

Sister Wanping taught us about the foundation of Prayer is Grace. As God want us to use the grace he gave us. Prayer is a privilage that God gave us. So yes, we must learn to have 100% faith when using God's Grace when praying =) Remember, we learn to be like God. So when we pray, we must have 100% trust in God your prayer will be answered no matter how long it takes =) Amen!

Forgiven // Psalms // Sin

Sunday I feel so in despair when I sinned. I feel so horrible the whole day even after I pray to God for Forgivence. But before I go to bed I read Psalms and God really forgive me.

1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

Praise the Lord. Thank You God =)

Prayer Requests

NEED SLEEP! Lol Pray that God will give me good rest. I know I will =)
GOOD HEALTH! Lol, I need to take care of my body or i'll crack recently.

Thats about all for now =) Will keep you all update again soon =)

Lost // Ups and Down

2008-07-23T21:19:00.004+08:00

Home // Punishment Chamber // Jail

Still very affected by my own home. Still feeling a bit depressed. Every inch, every corner of this home reminds me of some of my depressing past. Pray that God will make me forget about this home's depressing influence on me.

The living room

Where I sleep. I think about the times I when I got scolded and complained when my brother, my sister and even my parents are unwilling to share their rooms with me. So I sleep in the living room instead. To suit my family's favour.

Since young, I got caned in this room. When I build up all my sadness I crack in this room, yet my family threat my anger like nothing. When I first lost hope in this home. When I first confess to my parents I am christian yet they object.

When my sister and my mother gang up to scold me. When My dad and mom quarrel and push the blame to me. When My dad always think my results is not good enough no matter how well I did (Even the 2 A 2 Distinction 2B).

The kitchen

When I look at the stove. I got reminded of my secondary school years. When I am the earliest to wake up. I was always tempted to just on the stove to let the whole house blow up when I go school. I was so angry back then. When I look at the knives and choppers I got reminded of the first time I just want to chop my parents when they are sleeping.

The fridge reminds me of my first attempt to take pills to commit suicide. Didn't Die that attempt. Praise God.

The Windows

Every windows of this room reminds my of myself being tempted to jump off the house.

My brother's room

All my lustful sins. When my brother quarrels with me.

My sister's room

When I got caned and scolded by my sister. When my sister quarrels with me.

My parent's room

When My parent's try to force me do things I don't like, for example leaving church. When I first quarrel with my dad.

Forgiveness // Healing

I think God is slowly healing the hatred of me towards my family. But yet there is still to much anger, so much hate. But I know God will heal me slowly. Just that it takes time.

School

Still have a big report to write. Not fully prepared. Sigh. Exams coming soon. But I am still doing well academically. But just quite stress. Feeling very aimless. Losing hopes to study. But I know I must do well for God and I am glad to.

Family

Still have been talking to Ian. I think God planned the both of us to teach and help each other. Praise the Lord. Ian is able to understand me so well, eventhough our family is like extreme polarities. So different, yet we are able to know and help each other so well. I think only God can do that. Really, praise the Lord.

Ex Classmates and Friends

Recently been talking to Penny(Peixuan) too! She lost the mole on her face. Looks so much prettier. She seems to be very happy in her class. Hope she is doing well. She seem quite stress also. I hope they are alright.

Sha(Khoon Sear), aiya, he have been really down recently. Starting to become JS no.2 Solo his way throughout his year. I really hope he can do well in his school. As usual, I still my class 23, miss the life so much. So happy during those days. Though till year I made like 2 new closer classmates but the feeling is so different.

I hope Ken and Sha enjoy his birthday well.

Sleep//Fatigue

My nightmare and restless nights syndrome is back. Recently either when sleeping I keep having nightmare or when I sleep I wake up almost every hour, resulting in me don't feel like sleeing at all. Fatigue is really building up.

Monday I have the most realistic nightmare ever. I dreamt about myself falling from building and I land on the road. My arm got pieced through Iron pipes. I can literally feel that intensity of my own body when I landed. I can really feel that My hand got piece through an iron pipe. The pain the horror. I can still feel and taste the sweat of pain in my mouth.

What I want to change

Spend more time we God.
Pray for my family.
Love my family.

Prayer Request

Pray that God will heal my heart and make me forget about the hatred.
Pray that God will help me sleep well.

Lastly, I thank God for these week. He is still protecting me no matter what. Its me who is not doing so well. But I can feel that he is there. He is there watching me. No matter how and when I have sinned I feel not happiness and glory. I feel shameful. But I know God have forgiven me. Praise him. For he is still as ever so mighty.

Thats about all for now.

Simple Man is Moi // Yuxian

2008-07-20T20:48:00.016+08:00

New Blog

Simple Man is Me =] I think its time for me to keep a journal. ^^ Well... Simple As I am He will Still Guard Me. Mighty indeed he is =)

Must try to endure this time hehe. Got lazy the previous time =p

Actually I wanted to name it YuthanaXianology, Lol. Its Yuthanasia(A word I make up with No Meanings! It has nothing related to Euthanasia =p) and Yuxianology (A term made by Ian Specially for me! After I made up Ianology xD) When Both Yuthanasia and Yuxianology combines you get YuthanaXianology! xD

God Spoke to Me

Anyway This is something he told me during Monday(14th July 2008)

Why is it Hard to Quit a bad Habit :

H A B I T

You Take out the "H", You Are Left with "abit"

A B I T

You Take out the "A", You Are Left with "bit"

B I T

You Take out the "T", You Are Left with "it"

I T

You Take out the "I", You Are Left with "t"

T

and what is "T" then? "T" means "Temptation"

Reading Psalms

This whole week was rather long. I'm starting to read Psalms now. At first, I really have no idea why. But somehow I have this feeling God wants me to and finally I realised the reason why. Each chapter I read. Is reflecting the troubles I am facing during that very day. God is really protecting me. Always =)

School

Its a long week this week. But thank God For he aids me in finishing my CA2 Report in Plan Your Personal Finance Module. Cool. Also Thanks Dilys, Lina, CC, Johnston(My Group) I have to print them and submit to Chris tomorrow. Hope the report will score.

Ex Classmates

This week for some reason. I have been talking back to my Old Classmates for some reason too! With Goose(Ming Jun), KK(Kah Kin), Noof(Kenneth) my primary school mates =p Too bad we can't find Dog(Desmond). Yeah these 4 are the culprits that gave me my nick name "Salted Fish" Lol! That day we added each other in MSN and have a mass conversation Lol was so funny because Kin Added the wrong kenneth xD

Also, I started to talk to Weixian, My secondary school buddy the very sameday too! Heard that he got sick AGAIN! He don't get sick easily one. So yeah. I hope he is not too stress up in NP.

Judo

Today(Sunday) I went to IJC to train Judo with Jerr, sorta promised him quite long ago =p At first I was quite reluctant to but yeah during the week God told me to have integrity so yes. I must keep my promises ^^ Anyways I am so out of condition! I need to train back man! Lol. I know that after the sleep. When I wake up I surely will ache EVERYWHERE! lol. But I look forward to next week's training =p

BTW IJC is Island Judo Club! Lol At first I thought it was Innova Junior Collage xD

Church // Intergrity

This week's sermon is by Brother Ruixiang(pardon me if I spell his name wrong). We learn about Integrity and learning to build character not reputation. Really cool. I'm learning too! To be a man with integrity. No lies. No boasting.

What I want to Change (This Week)

I must learn to endure on the Bible Reading and Quiet Time...
I must pray to got even more!
I also need to learn to be a man of Integrity =p
I need to play lesser games and spend more time with God Lol.
I need to learn to plan My time well =)
I need to pray more for my family(this includes cell group)

Prayer Request

Pray that I will not be too stress in school next week.
My CA2 Report will do well =D
I will Love my family more.
I will keep endure for God.
Resistance towards sins!

Wow. Thats a long post xD Oh well... Till next time =)