Lost // Ups and Down
Home // Punishment Chamber // Jail
Still very affected by my own home. Still feeling a bit depressed. Every inch, every corner of this home reminds me of some of my depressing past. Pray that God will make me forget about this home's depressing influence on me.
The living room
Where I sleep. I think about the times I when I got scolded and complained when my brother, my sister and even my parents are unwilling to share their rooms with me. So I sleep in the living room instead. To suit my family's favour.
Since young, I got caned in this room. When I build up all my sadness I crack in this room, yet my family threat my anger like nothing. When I first lost hope in this home. When I first confess to my parents I am christian yet they object.
When my sister and my mother gang up to scold me. When My dad and mom quarrel and push the blame to me. When My dad always think my results is not good enough no matter how well I did (Even the 2 A 2 Distinction 2B).
The kitchen
When I look at the stove. I got reminded of my secondary school years. When I am the earliest to wake up. I was always tempted to just on the stove to let the whole house blow up when I go school. I was so angry back then. When I look at the knives and choppers I got reminded of the first time I just want to chop my parents when they are sleeping.
The fridge reminds me of my first attempt to take pills to commit suicide. Didn't Die that attempt. Praise God.
The Windows
Every windows of this room reminds my of myself being tempted to jump off the house.
My brother's room
All my lustful sins. When my brother quarrels with me.
My sister's room
When I got caned and scolded by my sister. When my sister quarrels with me.
My parent's room
When My parent's try to force me do things I don't like, for example leaving church. When I first quarrel with my dad.
Forgiveness // Healing
I think God is slowly healing the hatred of me towards my family. But yet there is still to much anger, so much hate. But I know God will heal me slowly. Just that it takes time.
School
Still have a big report to write. Not fully prepared. Sigh. Exams coming soon. But I am still doing well academically. But just quite stress. Feeling very aimless. Losing hopes to study. But I know I must do well for God and I am glad to.
Family
Still have been talking to Ian. I think God planned the both of us to teach and help each other. Praise the Lord. Ian is able to understand me so well, eventhough our family is like extreme polarities. So different, yet we are able to know and help each other so well. I think only God can do that. Really, praise the Lord.
Ex Classmates and Friends
Recently been talking to Penny(Peixuan) too! She lost the mole on her face. Looks so much prettier. She seems to be very happy in her class. Hope she is doing well. She seem quite stress also. I hope they are alright.
Sha(Khoon Sear), aiya, he have been really down recently. Starting to become JS no.2 Solo his way throughout his year. I really hope he can do well in his school. As usual, I still my class 23, miss the life so much. So happy during those days. Though till year I made like 2 new closer classmates but the feeling is so different.
I hope Ken and Sha enjoy his birthday well.
Sleep//Fatigue
My nightmare and restless nights syndrome is back. Recently either when sleeping I keep having nightmare or when I sleep I wake up almost every hour, resulting in me don't feel like sleeing at all. Fatigue is really building up.
Monday I have the most realistic nightmare ever. I dreamt about myself falling from building and I land on the road. My arm got pieced through Iron pipes. I can literally feel that intensity of my own body when I landed. I can really feel that My hand got piece through an iron pipe. The pain the horror. I can still feel and taste the sweat of pain in my mouth.
What I want to change
Spend more time we God.
Pray for my family.
Love my family.
Prayer Request
Pray that God will heal my heart and make me forget about the hatred.
Pray that God will help me sleep well.
Lastly, I thank God for these week. He is still protecting me no matter what. Its me who is not doing so well. But I can feel that he is there. He is there watching me. No matter how and when I have sinned I feel not happiness and glory. I feel shameful. But I know God have forgiven me. Praise him. For he is still as ever so mighty.
Thats about all for now.
Still very affected by my own home. Still feeling a bit depressed. Every inch, every corner of this home reminds me of some of my depressing past. Pray that God will make me forget about this home's depressing influence on me.
The living room
Where I sleep. I think about the times I when I got scolded and complained when my brother, my sister and even my parents are unwilling to share their rooms with me. So I sleep in the living room instead. To suit my family's favour.
Since young, I got caned in this room. When I build up all my sadness I crack in this room, yet my family threat my anger like nothing. When I first lost hope in this home. When I first confess to my parents I am christian yet they object.
When my sister and my mother gang up to scold me. When My dad and mom quarrel and push the blame to me. When My dad always think my results is not good enough no matter how well I did (Even the 2 A 2 Distinction 2B).
The kitchen
When I look at the stove. I got reminded of my secondary school years. When I am the earliest to wake up. I was always tempted to just on the stove to let the whole house blow up when I go school. I was so angry back then. When I look at the knives and choppers I got reminded of the first time I just want to chop my parents when they are sleeping.
The fridge reminds me of my first attempt to take pills to commit suicide. Didn't Die that attempt. Praise God.
The Windows
Every windows of this room reminds my of myself being tempted to jump off the house.
My brother's room
All my lustful sins. When my brother quarrels with me.
My sister's room
When I got caned and scolded by my sister. When my sister quarrels with me.
My parent's room
When My parent's try to force me do things I don't like, for example leaving church. When I first quarrel with my dad.
Forgiveness // Healing
I think God is slowly healing the hatred of me towards my family. But yet there is still to much anger, so much hate. But I know God will heal me slowly. Just that it takes time.
School
Still have a big report to write. Not fully prepared. Sigh. Exams coming soon. But I am still doing well academically. But just quite stress. Feeling very aimless. Losing hopes to study. But I know I must do well for God and I am glad to.
Family
Still have been talking to Ian. I think God planned the both of us to teach and help each other. Praise the Lord. Ian is able to understand me so well, eventhough our family is like extreme polarities. So different, yet we are able to know and help each other so well. I think only God can do that. Really, praise the Lord.
Ex Classmates and Friends
Recently been talking to Penny(Peixuan) too! She lost the mole on her face. Looks so much prettier. She seems to be very happy in her class. Hope she is doing well. She seem quite stress also. I hope they are alright.
Sha(Khoon Sear), aiya, he have been really down recently. Starting to become JS no.2 Solo his way throughout his year. I really hope he can do well in his school. As usual, I still my class 23, miss the life so much. So happy during those days. Though till year I made like 2 new closer classmates but the feeling is so different.
I hope Ken and Sha enjoy his birthday well.
Sleep//Fatigue
My nightmare and restless nights syndrome is back. Recently either when sleeping I keep having nightmare or when I sleep I wake up almost every hour, resulting in me don't feel like sleeing at all. Fatigue is really building up.
Monday I have the most realistic nightmare ever. I dreamt about myself falling from building and I land on the road. My arm got pieced through Iron pipes. I can literally feel that intensity of my own body when I landed. I can really feel that My hand got piece through an iron pipe. The pain the horror. I can still feel and taste the sweat of pain in my mouth.
What I want to change
Spend more time we God.
Pray for my family.
Love my family.
Prayer Request
Pray that God will heal my heart and make me forget about the hatred.
Pray that God will help me sleep well.
Lastly, I thank God for these week. He is still protecting me no matter what. Its me who is not doing so well. But I can feel that he is there. He is there watching me. No matter how and when I have sinned I feel not happiness and glory. I feel shameful. But I know God have forgiven me. Praise him. For he is still as ever so mighty.
Thats about all for now.
posted by Yuxian at
9:19 PM
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