Hey all, its been a while since I post eh. Sorry for the slow posts. Recently quite a lot have happened. A lot worth to be happy about, but also a few which is rather, pulling me down also. But you know... I have to keep moving on le. Right?
Friends // My Worries // Our WorriesRecently hardly have chances to chat with Pei Pei or Weixian, or Rather they seem to always be so busy haha. We all seems to be going through the hardships of changes in life ba. Pei with her own problems, Weixian seems to be quite tense also. Me too, I felt that I really just want to just spend a day in peace, Which somehow, still unable to achieve it yet. I think all of us really need to spend a day to just settle down and just rest. Not at home, usually we think our homes are places we can settle down, but in truth, the home is always the place which makes you most stress. Really, lots of soul searching needs to be done. But, time always doesn't allow us huh...
I'm really tired of my current situation of going back and forth... Yet there are still so many things at heart that really I myself have been putting aside thinking that time will make it fade away, but in reality it doesn't.
But I'm also quite contempted because I now value life more and more. Though the scars always burns. I really want to see God changes my life around. I really do... because now... if God doesn't even change my life... My purpose in life would really be nothing.
Ex Classmates // School // Khoon SearI used his real name hear is because, of all people who reads this blog only the 2 of us will recognise this name. Yeah, this buddy of mine, haha, though older then me, seems like I nag him more then ever. Lol. He too, also facing his own phase in life that only he can overcome. Though I must say, I am actually quite affected when he mentions that his views on people around him are actually changing.
Part of me do wonder if he is talking about me or not? "Did I nag too much? Did I scold too much? Am I being too bossy?" haha... Part of me don't really dare to ask him though, which is why partially I quite reluctant to leave a message in his blog ba haha. But now its all over after a little talk with him last night. The talk felt good I find. Its been always since we really settle down and chat. We use to chat alot together, but due to class change, I hardly been talking to him liao.
Partially I quite worry about him also, he himself have been very tense about his own situation also, most times very down. But, seeing that, there is still so many people around him that really cares for him. I think I'm not as worried ba. Haha.
Ex Classmates // Ex School Mates // Past FriendStarted to speak a bit to Zhiyan recently also, haha I guess the awkwardness is all gone when facing a computer huh? I still remember during secondary school times. Silly me. Zhiyan if you see this message, I'm sorry for what happened during sec 3 and 4 man. Haha. Really sorry.
You changes to much le Zhiyan =)
Facing My Deepest Fears // Letting go of my inner most devilLast Saturday, for such a long time, I felt that my tears really dried this time. But then again, God made my tears roll again. During service... I really felt God wants me to face this Fears. All these thoughts of murder and anger.
Really, the anger really grow a lot each time I faced it. I fine myself so disgraceful, My anger has reached the stage where... even as my mum ask me to throw rubbish... I would want to grab a pen nearby and stab against her head/neck/ or her temples. I felt so angry. So scared. So disappointing.
But God wants me to face it and claim my mind and heart his. I'm trying hard. I'm really trying. All these time, I've been running away from it, thinking positive. But even as I sleep, I've been haunted by nightmares and odd dreams. Things are slowly getting better, but I do fear of falling again... I'm really tired and scared. But I must only put my confidence on God, that He can change it now. Its my only way now.
Tired // Exhausted // Ashamed // Life of DisappointmentsI'm really tired of myself getting back and forth, trying to live a life with light and justice. But then I have been pulled back by my own shames and no self controls. I'm still telling lies to go Church. Each time getting worst. I feel so bad and guilty. I find my heart sinking down due to my own lust of so many things(not just sex if you are wondering). I feel so shameless and tired. I hate myself of giving in to these temptations so easily, I hate myself for unable to stand up for God to my family. I hate myself for hiding my whole Christian Life when I should be living it with pride and happiness, without shame.
Preparing my heart // Spiritual JournalLast week, I felt a prompt from God that, I should start a Spiritual Journal from the first 4 books again in new Testament. Haven't start at all. My heart still felt so reluctant. But I know I must do it. Its definitely for my own good. For people who doesn't know what is a spiritual journal, its like a journal book or diary that you write down what you learnt from the bible to God. Haha. I know I mustn't fail and if I am dedicated to it, I must do it everyday. If I want to start it, I must keep this promise to God.
New Blog Music // Jason MrazI actually wanted to use "Coyotes" this song for my blog this time. But then I heard "Details in the Fabric" and I just have a sudden rush of emotions in my head. Though no tears, I still felt my eyes wet. So I decided to change it to Details in the Fabric. Perhaps another time for Coyotes.
Still Waiting // PhotographsSorry guys, still waiting for the mooncake festival's photograph, but yeah, Xuanwen jie is a really busy person. So I don't think its good to disturb her. I'll just have to keep waiting. Haha, but nothing much of me you all would like to see. I'm just a fat guy xD
Wedding // Peizhen jie a.k.a Charmaine a.k.a My CousinYesterday, we went to her wedding dinner. You can really see her happiness and joy. Though throughout the wedding, I only hear gossips about my family members and my own family history. I don't feel good hearing them at all. My cousin though, she seems so happy, yet when we left, she saw my brother and she broke down and cried. She seems very close to my brother. She just cried and keep calling her "Qing Mei Zhu Ma" haha.
Thats about all I suppose... Haha... nothing much happy to post I guess. But yeah. =) I cannot always put a smiley face and a happy face right? Haha...
Yuxian.
