Changes // Peaks

Fatigue // Work // Restless Nights // Nightmare

Recently have a lot of assignments to do. No enough sleep. Still very deprive of sleep. Still having weird dreams. Weird weird dreams. Having really realistic dreams that freak me up in the middle of the nights recently.

Music // Blog

The music playing now is one of my favourite. The Light Before We Land. Its not a christian song btw. But it sounds like one. The song is really nice though =) Thanks weixian for teaching me how to upload.

Estee // Cousin // Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday Estee, hope you enjoyed your birthday during saturday =)

Friends // Ex Classmates

Still talking with weixian and penny. Hope that they are still doing well. Weixian seems to be very busy and tired. Hope he rest more.

Past // Apologies

I recently remembered of the past. Once, I brought a pen knife to school and pass it to weixian. I though of committing suicide that day. But I'm scared, so I pass it to weixian. I guess that time he must have really freaked out. I was crying very badly that day. If you see this message weixian, I'm sorry brother. Haha.

Moi // Christian

Haha, if anybody who doesn't know that I am a Christian now. Haha. Especially those who knows the emo me in secondary school. Yeah I am. Don't freak out man. Haha, seriously speaking, I sometimes still find it hard to believe that I grow up so much le. Haha. Being a Christian really changed me for good. Praise The Lord =]

Lies // Sin

Saturday I still lied to my family the I am going to school, but in actual fact, I am in church. I still hide the truth to my parents and family. People who read this, Lying is bad. I am a bad example. Don't learn from me. People who think that I am a bad Christian. I am the one sinful. Not Christians in general ._. Please don't generalize christians as big Liars... Because its me who is bad.

Abortion // Sermon

During saturday, Pastor Daniel talked about Do not murder and Abortion is actually murdering an innocent life. Girls and guys remember! Think twice before you have premarital sex! Hearing pastor describing about the process of abortion really makes me feel so painful. Painful for the baby!

The doctor will use a vacuum to suck the baby out. If the baby's body is fragile enough, his limbs will be ripped out piece by piece. During the ripping process, the baby will give out a "silent scream" meaning that the baby will scream out in pain, but we cannot hear it because its too soft.
If the body's bones is hard enough, the doctor will cut its limbs then suck it out. I feel so sad for the baby.

Pastor also showed a picture named "Malachi", the picture shows an aborted baby with its limbs and body sperated. I will never forget about that image.

Murderous Emotions // Sermon

The 2nd part of the sermon was done by sister wanping. She talked about by having thoughts of murdering someone else is already committing murder already. Which fits into this week's theme, the 6th commandment "Thou shall not murder".

Also, she teaches us that there is two types of Anger, Destructive murder which leads to nothing but violence and Constructive anger which comes from God. Constructive anger lets you think about the right thing to do when you feel angry, "is it worth it?" "What will God and Jesus do?"

During this part of the sermon, I got reminded of my past when I thought about murdering my whole family. Poisoning water boiler, on stove to let house explode, Switch my mother's medicine. Etc Etc. But I don't feel anything at all. I know God is definitely there. I don't feel sad or scared or depressed. I think God helped me went pass the stage already. Praise the Lord.

Report Writing // School

Getting tired of this report. So much to write so little time >_< style="font-weight: bold;">Neopets // My In thing

Created a new neopet account. Suddenly thought of playing neopet for some reason lol. Those interested to join me add me! Yuthanaxian. With my pet, Wolf_Scratch! xD



Falling Ill // Headache

Feel that recently I'm falling ill, during sunday I'm having a really weird headache, feeling so nauseous. I think its the lack of rest. =\

Family

Recently the cell group, everyone is so tired physically, especially the older ones. Pray that God will help all of out trouble. Ian this whole week also a lot of work to do. Xiong exam coming so soon. I also work piling up. Praise Lord for letting us still able to move and jump during sat =)

Grace // Foundation of Prayers

People Do READ THIS!

Sister Wanping taught us about the foundation of Prayer is Grace. As God want us to use the grace he gave us. Prayer is a privilage that God gave us. So yes, we must learn to have 100% faith when using God's Grace when praying =) Remember, we learn to be like God. So when we pray, we must have 100% trust in God your prayer will be answered no matter how long it takes =) Amen!

Forgiven // Psalms // Sin

Sunday I feel so in despair when I sinned. I feel so horrible the whole day even after I pray to God for Forgivence. But before I go to bed I read Psalms and God really forgive me.

1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

Praise the Lord. Thank You God =)

Prayer Requests

NEED SLEEP! Lol Pray that God will give me good rest. I know I will =)
GOOD HEALTH! Lol, I need to take care of my body or i'll crack recently.


Thats about all for now =) Will keep you all update again soon =)

Lost // Ups and Down

Home // Punishment Chamber // Jail

Still very affected by my own home. Still feeling a bit depressed. Every inch, every corner of this home reminds me of some of my depressing past. Pray that God will make me forget about this home's depressing influence on me.

The living room

Where I sleep. I think about the times I when I got scolded and complained when my brother, my sister and even my parents are unwilling to share their rooms with me. So I sleep in the living room instead. To suit my family's favour.

Since young, I got caned in this room. When I build up all my sadness I crack in this room, yet my family threat my anger like nothing. When I first lost hope in this home. When I first confess to my parents I am christian yet they object.

When my sister and my mother gang up to scold me. When My dad and mom quarrel and push the blame to me. When My dad always think my results is not good enough no matter how well I did (Even the 2 A 2 Distinction 2B).

The kitchen

When I look at the stove. I got reminded of my secondary school years. When I am the earliest to wake up. I was always tempted to just on the stove to let the whole house blow up when I go school. I was so angry back then. When I look at the knives and choppers I got reminded of the first time I just want to chop my parents when they are sleeping.

The fridge reminds me of my first attempt to take pills to commit suicide. Didn't Die that attempt. Praise God.

The Windows

Every windows of this room reminds my of myself being tempted to jump off the house.

My brother's room

All my lustful sins. When my brother quarrels with me.

My sister's room

When I got caned and scolded by my sister. When my sister quarrels with me.

My parent's room

When My parent's try to force me do things I don't like, for example leaving church. When I first quarrel with my dad.

Forgiveness // Healing

I think God is slowly healing the hatred of me towards my family. But yet there is still to much anger, so much hate. But I know God will heal me slowly. Just that it takes time.

School

Still have a big report to write. Not fully prepared. Sigh. Exams coming soon. But I am still doing well academically. But just quite stress. Feeling very aimless. Losing hopes to study. But I know I must do well for God and I am glad to.

Family

Still have been talking to Ian. I think God planned the both of us to teach and help each other. Praise the Lord. Ian is able to understand me so well, eventhough our family is like extreme polarities. So different, yet we are able to know and help each other so well. I think only God can do that. Really, praise the Lord.

Ex Classmates and Friends

Recently been talking to Penny(Peixuan) too! She lost the mole on her face. Looks so much prettier. She seems to be very happy in her class. Hope she is doing well. She seem quite stress also. I hope they are alright.

Sha(Khoon Sear), aiya, he have been really down recently. Starting to become JS no.2 Solo his way throughout his year. I really hope he can do well in his school. As usual, I still my class 23, miss the life so much. So happy during those days. Though till year I made like 2 new closer classmates but the feeling is so different.

I hope Ken and Sha enjoy his birthday well.

Sleep//Fatigue

My nightmare and restless nights syndrome is back. Recently either when sleeping I keep having nightmare or when I sleep I wake up almost every hour, resulting in me don't feel like sleeing at all. Fatigue is really building up.

Monday I have the most realistic nightmare ever. I dreamt about myself falling from building and I land on the road. My arm got pieced through Iron pipes. I can literally feel that intensity of my own body when I landed. I can really feel that My hand got piece through an iron pipe. The pain the horror. I can still feel and taste the sweat of pain in my mouth.

What I want to change

Spend more time we God.
Pray for my family.
Love my family.

Prayer Request

Pray that God will heal my heart and make me forget about the hatred.
Pray that God will help me sleep well.


Lastly, I thank God for these week. He is still protecting me no matter what. Its me who is not doing so well. But I can feel that he is there. He is there watching me. No matter how and when I have sinned I feel not happiness and glory. I feel shameful. But I know God have forgiven me. Praise him. For he is still as ever so mighty.

Thats about all for now.

Simple Man is Moi // Yuxian

New Blog

Simple Man is Me =] I think its time for me to keep a journal. ^^ Well... Simple As I am He will Still Guard Me. Mighty indeed he is =)

Must try to endure this time hehe. Got lazy the previous time =p

Actually I wanted to name it YuthanaXianology, Lol. Its Yuthanasia(A word I make up with No Meanings! It has nothing related to Euthanasia =p) and Yuxianology (A term made by Ian Specially for me! After I made up Ianology xD) When Both Yuthanasia and Yuxianology combines you get YuthanaXianology! xD

God Spoke to Me

Anyway This is something he told me during Monday(14th July 2008)

Why is it Hard to Quit a bad Habit :

H A B I T

You Take out the "H", You Are Left with "abit"

A B I T

You Take out the "A", You Are Left with "bit"

B I T

You Take out the "T", You Are Left with "it"

I T

You Take out the "I", You Are Left with "t"

T

and what is "T" then? "T" means "Temptation"

Reading Psalms

This whole week was rather long. I'm starting to read Psalms now. At first, I really have no idea why. But somehow I have this feeling God wants me to and finally I realised the reason why. Each chapter I read. Is reflecting the troubles I am facing during that very day. God is really protecting me. Always =)

School

Its a long week this week. But thank God For he aids me in finishing my CA2 Report in Plan Your Personal Finance Module. Cool. Also Thanks Dilys, Lina, CC, Johnston(My Group) I have to print them and submit to Chris tomorrow. Hope the report will score.

Ex Classmates

This week for some reason. I have been talking back to my Old Classmates for some reason too! With Goose(Ming Jun), KK(Kah Kin), Noof(Kenneth) my primary school mates =p Too bad we can't find Dog(Desmond). Yeah these 4 are the culprits that gave me my nick name "Salted Fish" Lol! That day we added each other in MSN and have a mass conversation Lol was so funny because Kin Added the wrong kenneth xD

Also, I started to talk to Weixian, My secondary school buddy the very sameday too! Heard that he got sick AGAIN! He don't get sick easily one. So yeah. I hope he is not too stress up in NP.

Judo

Today(Sunday) I went to IJC to train Judo with Jerr, sorta promised him quite long ago =p At first I was quite reluctant to but yeah during the week God told me to have integrity so yes. I must keep my promises ^^ Anyways I am so out of condition! I need to train back man! Lol. I know that after the sleep. When I wake up I surely will ache EVERYWHERE! lol. But I look forward to next week's training =p

BTW IJC is Island Judo Club! Lol At first I thought it was Innova Junior Collage xD

Church // Intergrity

This week's sermon is by Brother Ruixiang(pardon me if I spell his name wrong). We learn about Integrity and learning to build character not reputation. Really cool. I'm learning too! To be a man with integrity. No lies. No boasting.

What I want to Change (This Week)

I must learn to endure on the Bible Reading and Quiet Time...
I must pray to got even more!
I also need to learn to be a man of Integrity =p
I need to play lesser games and spend more time with God Lol.
I need to learn to plan My time well =)
I need to pray more for my family(this includes cell group)

Prayer Request

Pray that I will not be too stress in school next week.
My CA2 Report will do well =D
I will Love my family more.
I will keep endure for God.
Resistance towards sins!



Wow. Thats a long post xD Oh well... Till next time =)