Can't Stop My Tears

Haha... Don't really know if people will read my blog or not. Seems like people who reads just keep silent...

Well, How to say leh...

This month, its really like taking an emotional roller coaster loh...

Happy for Xinlong's BD.
Unhappy for family issues.
Excited for Xmas Deco Team.
Disappointed for my parents.
Glad for my cell group's getting closer.
Stress about sharing Christ with Friends.
Sober from my dilemma in my Christian Life.
Lost in my own pace in school.

I'm seriously in a mess haha.

Yesterday I was told that, "I always seem to be very stressed", even I myself agree to some extend. Man... I don't really know what to say man. I just want to cry, I just want to life my life in peace. I just want stop all the things I'm doing. I know that even as I am typing this post, God knows about my doubts and tensions going in my mind.

Perhaps blogging is the only way I can express myself to my non Christian Circle's buddies and friends. I don't know anymore.

Sorry people, that my posts always seem so stressful... I'm just sorry... For I really don't know what good stuff to write. I mean, seriously, during the happy occasions, I'm just using them to avoid my own pain and sadness within.

But why is letting go of hatred so hard... Why is forgetting the pain in the past so hard...

Even as the daggers in my heart is being removed, the wound is still bleeding...
Even as the blood stopped flowing, my heart still feels so empty...
Thats so true...

Constant Fear, Emotions, My only will to live on now

These few days hasn't been a really well I should say.

Struggling to keep my emotions in control. I seem to keep having the urge to cry from time to time. I suppose because Christianity is now my only reason to live on now. That's why I am constantly having fears and feelings of uncertainty all the time.

I'm scared and have been questioning about what if everything isn't going to happened... Stuff like that... I told God about this issue too... But yet, I still constantly have fear. Each time I have the urge to cry, I always tell God, "God you are my only reason to go on now"

I know I really must not let my emotions to distract me.

Lets just say this is the summery of my current situation I am in now,

1. Christianity is my only reason to live now.

2. Without out God, I will really commit suicide now, no joke.

3. My current life, with my family, in school is diminishing my faith in God.

4. Thus, I am now having doubts and fear about God not being real.

5. But, I really do know he exist and he is really there for me.

6. I'm now having this push carry on this race.

7. I'm really really tired.

Trust me... I really know God exist, else I won't be here now.

Just... struggling to keep this faith. I need to stay strong. I need affirmation. I know God is going to do something Good soon. I'm just tired now I suppose.

The Urge Between Light and Darkness

Sorry guys... for such a long time no post le.

A lot really happened. I'm too tired to repeat stories I guess, just gonna say what happen this week ba...

During Tuesday, I quarreled with my mom, I seriously didn't know what happened, I was just doing my homework and suddenly she went all naggy and all, fine... Then later she ask me if I saw her keys I replied, "I don't know" and carry on doing on my maths tutorial. And she bombed! She seriously bombed! She yelled at me then she went out...

The rest of the day I felt so angry... I felt my hatred and anger all flood into me... I felt soooo depressed all of the sudden. All my mind become thoughts of just. "KILL HER!" "I WILL BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU JUST BARE ALL THE HATRED AND ANGER AND KILL"

I felt so confused... I even remember of having thoughts of giving up my Christian Life (which I didn't by the way)... I was like... "TO HELL WITH IT! GO TO HELL THEN GO TO HELL LA"...

I just sooo couldn't control myself that night... Really wanna talk... but yet, when I on my MSN, I tried to blurt out something... but everyone just shunned me away with a "busy" sign or a really really slow reply hinting me their aura of "I am busy, don't disturb me"... So I went to sleep really soon after that.

Wednesday. The whole morning till like 5pm its pretty okay(was in chuch from 1-5 btw), though still angry...

During around 5.45, kenneth came to church, and I told him that I quarreled with my mom, I asked him about how do you dishonour your parents, everything was okay untill I ask him my last question.

"How should I start a conversation with my mom, you know... to break the tension." I asked.

He replied me, "Simple, apologise to her." My whole mood changed... my tears urging to flow out all of the sudden. I was seriously unwilling to forgive and let go, I was seriously unwilling to be the one to put down my pride and injustice... I cried that whole evening and night. Just keep crying and crying... Calling people to talk and all that night, kept crying non stop...

I know I have to do it and I did, that very night I apologised. But it felt so bad and nasty I suppose. Even till morning, I felt so bitter so during LRT I weeped and just lift all my bitterness and worries to God.

But now my emotions is really unstable guys... if you see me all of the sudden wanna talk with you guys and perhaps even emo with you guys... please forgive me... I just find it hard to control my tears this few days... sorry man...