UGH!

Recently have some trouble registering some school modules. Work is still horrible as usual. Everything related to school just sucks... Bleh.

2 more weeks. Just two more weeks... I must endure.

Haiz... Meanwhile, somehow I am feeling more God sensitive yet not sensitive at all =\ I must need to dedicate myself to God if this is what I want.

Tired

Back from work 3 hours ago. So Tired. Long and slow day as usual.

Anyway, today after work, I rushed to esplanade to get Anderson a present :) Hope he likes it.

Had a great talk with one of a close friend. :) Glad to know that he knows God now. Praise Lord. Praise Lord.

Back =|

Well, I suppose I'm back from a huge emotional ride.

How to say leh, still learning and struggling to live ba. Sometimes knowing that nobody actually reads this blog, I find it rather pointless to post. Those who reads, don't even mention anything. So yeah...

Lets talk about the good things, Family has just become bigger :) Cell Group have just increased by 6 more guys ^^ I'm really glad that today during prayer meeting, we are like a big family. No one really cares about who you are in the past, all I know is that they love me. I'm really happy. Praise God for Blessing me with such a great family and bless me with so much love.

I Achieved 5As and 1 B+ for this semester, another thing to praise God ^^ its really not possible for me to get such grades. I was really distracted from studies during that period of time. But I'm glad that God and the rest of the family is there with me.

Alright, not its the depressing parts ba, ITP is horrible, I just felt sooooo sooooo soooo Angry at my colleagues, for they had been humiliating me. Never once have I been so humiliated in my life. I just felt sooo sooo angry... Still struggling to be a good Christian by not fighting, not argueing and lift everything to God. Its hard... But I'm clinging on. I am really.

A brother of mine refuse to reply any message or phone calls. Totally avoid me. Don't really know what to say.

I realised that, I really quite a bit of friends, most of them aren't very close to me. Haha... and here I am sometimes trying to be close to them, or acted as if I am still close ba. Though some friends, no matter how long you have yet contacted, they will still help out rightaway when you asked. I'm really glad that one of my primary school friend helped me when I need it.

Others, when you try to talk to them for like... perhaps a long time... They just ignore what you try to tell him... and the next time he talk to me... is to ask me if I can help him in studies. As though I am some thing of "thing" to help him pass his exam.

Ugh... Bad things always seems to be more then good things...

Edit: But I believe that I'm not looking hard enough for the good things!

But no worries, I in a good state. Still learning! Still perservering!

Alright... Till another time :)

A New Change I Suppose?

Changing back to Classic Blog Theme. I feel that the previous one still too cartoony. But yes, I am back...

Things have been well I guess. Though Its still very exhausting when hatred and anger just don't stop haunting me. But now... I'm really learning to give my troubles to God.

Cell group have been really loving and caring. Can really see the change in terms of care and concern. We're all working very hard together to build this relationship. I really love the times we spend together.

I'm still having trouble letting go off the past though. But then Pastor Daniel just taught us about moving on yesterday. So I hope things will turn out well.

I still need to try harder on the bible reading plan. Need lots and lots of discipline to get myself reading the bible more. But I am sure this plan will work well. Afterall, its doing for God. So Praise him for the Discipline beforehand =)

New Year, New School Terms, New Forms of Stress coming. I'm pretty sick of school I suppose, I hate the feeling that everyone in school just isn't close to me at all. To them I am just an acquaintance. But I know I have to work hard because I still want to someday share to everyone in YI a good testimony.

I'm still guilty of going to church secretly though... But I must endure and keep praying... I've not been praying enough for this situation and my family... I cannot and must not be comfortable with this situation.

Btw, Yesterday Sister Wanping Bought me the Sermon CDs for YI Camp! =D I'm so happy loh. Though its kinda embaressing when I almost tried to give her a hug out of joy (but I didn't)... So we shaked hands instead... Totally Embaressing XD

Did some cleaning today, took out my Sec School year books to look at photos. Man how huge I've grown -.- Its time to exercise I tell myself. But man, when I look at those photos, I was like, why did I wasted my 4 years of life doing those stupid things. But yes, I think I've changed for good.

This New Year What do I aim?

1. Lose 10 kg(Difficulty level *****)
2. Spend more time with God(Difficulty level *****)
3. Work Hard for School(Difficulty level *****)
4. Lift My Emotions to God(Difficulty level ***)
5. Change My Attitude towards my family(Difficulty level *****)
6. Buy a Camera(Difficulty level *****)

Yes, I need to start to blog more often...

Can't Stop My Tears

Haha... Don't really know if people will read my blog or not. Seems like people who reads just keep silent...

Well, How to say leh...

This month, its really like taking an emotional roller coaster loh...

Happy for Xinlong's BD.
Unhappy for family issues.
Excited for Xmas Deco Team.
Disappointed for my parents.
Glad for my cell group's getting closer.
Stress about sharing Christ with Friends.
Sober from my dilemma in my Christian Life.
Lost in my own pace in school.

I'm seriously in a mess haha.

Yesterday I was told that, "I always seem to be very stressed", even I myself agree to some extend. Man... I don't really know what to say man. I just want to cry, I just want to life my life in peace. I just want stop all the things I'm doing. I know that even as I am typing this post, God knows about my doubts and tensions going in my mind.

Perhaps blogging is the only way I can express myself to my non Christian Circle's buddies and friends. I don't know anymore.

Sorry people, that my posts always seem so stressful... I'm just sorry... For I really don't know what good stuff to write. I mean, seriously, during the happy occasions, I'm just using them to avoid my own pain and sadness within.

But why is letting go of hatred so hard... Why is forgetting the pain in the past so hard...

Even as the daggers in my heart is being removed, the wound is still bleeding...
Even as the blood stopped flowing, my heart still feels so empty...
Thats so true...

Constant Fear, Emotions, My only will to live on now

These few days hasn't been a really well I should say.

Struggling to keep my emotions in control. I seem to keep having the urge to cry from time to time. I suppose because Christianity is now my only reason to live on now. That's why I am constantly having fears and feelings of uncertainty all the time.

I'm scared and have been questioning about what if everything isn't going to happened... Stuff like that... I told God about this issue too... But yet, I still constantly have fear. Each time I have the urge to cry, I always tell God, "God you are my only reason to go on now"

I know I really must not let my emotions to distract me.

Lets just say this is the summery of my current situation I am in now,

1. Christianity is my only reason to live now.

2. Without out God, I will really commit suicide now, no joke.

3. My current life, with my family, in school is diminishing my faith in God.

4. Thus, I am now having doubts and fear about God not being real.

5. But, I really do know he exist and he is really there for me.

6. I'm now having this push carry on this race.

7. I'm really really tired.

Trust me... I really know God exist, else I won't be here now.

Just... struggling to keep this faith. I need to stay strong. I need affirmation. I know God is going to do something Good soon. I'm just tired now I suppose.

The Urge Between Light and Darkness

Sorry guys... for such a long time no post le.

A lot really happened. I'm too tired to repeat stories I guess, just gonna say what happen this week ba...

During Tuesday, I quarreled with my mom, I seriously didn't know what happened, I was just doing my homework and suddenly she went all naggy and all, fine... Then later she ask me if I saw her keys I replied, "I don't know" and carry on doing on my maths tutorial. And she bombed! She seriously bombed! She yelled at me then she went out...

The rest of the day I felt so angry... I felt my hatred and anger all flood into me... I felt soooo depressed all of the sudden. All my mind become thoughts of just. "KILL HER!" "I WILL BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU JUST BARE ALL THE HATRED AND ANGER AND KILL"

I felt so confused... I even remember of having thoughts of giving up my Christian Life (which I didn't by the way)... I was like... "TO HELL WITH IT! GO TO HELL THEN GO TO HELL LA"...

I just sooo couldn't control myself that night... Really wanna talk... but yet, when I on my MSN, I tried to blurt out something... but everyone just shunned me away with a "busy" sign or a really really slow reply hinting me their aura of "I am busy, don't disturb me"... So I went to sleep really soon after that.

Wednesday. The whole morning till like 5pm its pretty okay(was in chuch from 1-5 btw), though still angry...

During around 5.45, kenneth came to church, and I told him that I quarreled with my mom, I asked him about how do you dishonour your parents, everything was okay untill I ask him my last question.

"How should I start a conversation with my mom, you know... to break the tension." I asked.

He replied me, "Simple, apologise to her." My whole mood changed... my tears urging to flow out all of the sudden. I was seriously unwilling to forgive and let go, I was seriously unwilling to be the one to put down my pride and injustice... I cried that whole evening and night. Just keep crying and crying... Calling people to talk and all that night, kept crying non stop...

I know I have to do it and I did, that very night I apologised. But it felt so bad and nasty I suppose. Even till morning, I felt so bitter so during LRT I weeped and just lift all my bitterness and worries to God.

But now my emotions is really unstable guys... if you see me all of the sudden wanna talk with you guys and perhaps even emo with you guys... please forgive me... I just find it hard to control my tears this few days... sorry man...